One of the reasons you feel you might not have deep friendships could be due to your childhood environment. For example, I grew up in a house where there were always secrets and to avoid living in a “battlefield” as one therapist friend called it, I learned early on to avoid scenes by dumbing myself down, being invisible, small, quiet, and a people pleaser among other things. I lost connection with my true feelings and joy as do a lot of children by the time they are 7. Being afraid of rocking the boat or calling attention to myself, I often withheld sharing my emotions and experiences with others and then wondered why those deep connections eluded me. I still at times have difficulty trusting that others will accept me for who I am. And, I have to be vigilant, internally checking in and making sure I’m being authentic with others, even if they become upset or uneasy when what I’ve said or done is not hurtful and they take offense anyway. We all have our triggers and see the world through our own lenses developed from childhood. It is much easier to be authentic still on a one to one basis.
What I’ve realized lately, is that the supply of people are unlimited and when I express my own individuality and are authentic, I attract those who are truly like me. I have deeper relationships, trust and am appreciated and loved for the person I am.
A great example of why to be our authentic selves is dating. We all know that when dating, the relationship soon falls apart if one, or both, of the people has lied about who they are, their goals and interests. Most people tend to put on a mask to be attractive to others. Often, when working with someone in a troubled relationship, they will admit they said and did what they felt would attract the other, not what was true to them. Like the person who says they want children yet doesn’t. The relationship is betrayed and often is unable to recover because they are not authentically themselves, and most likely are lying to themselves as to who they are. If we are unable to be authentic with ourselves, how can we be authentic with others? How can we have connection when that connection is based on lies or silencing parts of themselves?
The lessons are to learn who you authentically are and to express yourself - be yourself - with yourself and others. Stop being silent or reacting how you think others want you to be or avoiding conflict. Remember, REJECTION IS GOD’S PROTECTION. Learn who you are, become aware of your own desires and needs. When your desires and needs aren’t met, or you are unaware of who you are and are inauthentic, your relationships are unable to be healthy, true and deep, even with yourself.
